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When Ties Adoptive Family Travel started 30 years ago nearly all adoptees traveled with their adoptive parents for heritage journeys. Over the last decade, as many transnational adoptees have reached adulthood, a shift has occurred in the types of groups supporting them. These groups, now referred to by Ties as “loved ones,” offer a range of support tailored to adoptees’ needs. Many adoptees of all age ranges travel with adoptive parents, but they also travel with loved ones that are important to them. Some of the groups we see nearly every year on our group heritage journeys include:

• Adoptee + significant other + adoptive parents
• Adoptee + parents + aunts/uncles and cousins
• Adoptee + grandparents + adoptive parents
• Adoptee + adoptee
• Adoptee + divorced parents + significant others (additional parental figures)
• Adoptee + siblings (sometimes biological siblings, sometimes not)
• Adoptee + their children
• Adoptee + significant other

Today, the loved ones traveling with adoptees are as diverse as the adoptee experience itself. As adoptees prepare for their heritage journey, it’s important for them to thoughtfully consider who among their loved ones is best positioned to support them on this meaningful trip. Here’s some questions to ask as you prepare:

How centered do I want my adoption story to be?

There are so many ways for an adoptee to experience their country of birth. Generally adoptees choose either group or solo experiences. For purposes of brevity, let’s focus on group travel. If you are considering traveling privately or independently, reach out to our team to discuss why you feel like this is the best fit for you. We’re happy to discuss options with you.

Group experiences often fit into three main categories:

• Non-adoptee specific group travel: Some adoptees may prefer that their adoptee experience and identity not be the primary focus of their journey back to their country of birth. For other adoptees, this is a wonderful choice. However, we’ve found that most adoptees, including a number of our current staff members who traveled this way, often end up regretting the decision to make their first trip under these circumstances. Adoptees may end up feeling isolated and lonely because the feelings, emotions, and the questions they encounter aren’t typical tourist questions, making it challenging to fully process their unique experiences. 
• Motherland Trips: Motherland trips for adoptees, most common in South Korea, are adoptee-only group trips that focus on the shared adoptee experience. We’re big fans of adoptees traveling together, as it’s the center of our work and can provide a significant identity-building experience. However, one challenge with motherland trips is that they often exclude an adoptee’s existing support system from the journey. The trip is something separate from their lives, rather than being something that is incorporated into their life, with their built- in support system around them. This can make the transition back home and the subsequent culture shock that follows more challenging.
• Heritage Journeys: We’re big fans of heritage journeys, having facilitated them for over 30 years, because they center the adoptee and their experiences while surrounding them with a circle of support. This support system includes loved ones, adoption experts, and in-country specialists. In our experience this circle of support best allows adoptees to delve into both their personal adoption story and a country’s adoption history to the level they are comfortable with. Some on heritage journeys want to dive deeply, and others don’t. The make-up of a group on a heritage journey (adoptees and their loved ones) allows for flexibility for each individual to engage with their heritage as much or as little as they wish.

Once you’ve chosen a heritage journey as the right path for you, the next step is to consider who you want by your side to support you on this transformative experience. Here are five questions to help you decide:

Who has seen you through transitions in your life?

Chances are if you made it this far, you’ve been through some challenges and some transitions in your life. The people who have been there for you are the people you want to have on this journey, too. Who showed up for you during tough times and major life transitions? Who went to your plays, sports games, or graduations? Who did you call last week when you had a hard day at work (and did they listen/were they supportive)? Who do you rely on when you need emotional support? And who will pick up the phone when you are home from the heritage journey and you are struggling with reverse culture shock? Or are you (further) processing that visit with your birth family?  Make a list of those people (there may only be a few, and that’s perfectly normal) and use this list as your starting point when deciding who should join you on this journey. 

So now that you know who’s been there for you, take this list and ask yourself…

Who do you know that appropriately centers the adoptee experience for you?

We can break this into three parts.

1. Adoptees have different relationships with their adoption. Some enjoy discussing their adoption story often, while others feel that it isn’t a prevalent part of their everyday life. Some experience their unique adoptee identity in almost every aspect of each day. All of these perspectives are valid, and adoptee needs and experiences also change over time. So, who in your support network makes you and your adoptee experience feel “comfortable” today? Who listens to where you are and meets you there? That’s probably a good person you want to bring along. 
2. Next, consider who always, or almost always, sees you as the expert in your adoption story and country of birth? You know your story best because it’s yours. Surround yourself with people who respect and acknowledge your authority over your own journey.
3. Finally, ask yourself who do you think is going to put you and your needs first while on a heritage journey? Are they committed to focusing on what you want to do and see, or are they interested in exploring your country of birth for their own reasons? While it’s great that they have interests in aspects of your birth culture, they need to be able to put all or some of those aside to appropriately support you because above all else, this is your experience as an adoptee.

Who within your adoption or family network can support you on this journey?

Sometimes, it’s not just about who can provide support, but who has been a part of your adoption and family story that you want to go through this experience with? This might be an adoptive parent, as it can be a bonding and full circle experience for adoptees to travel back to their country of birth with their adoptive parents. Alternatively, it could be siblings who were there at the time of your adoption. Or a grandparent who played a key role in your upbringing. 

Who can afford the trip?

International travel can be costly, and a heritage journey with a full circle of support may not be  the most budget-friendly option, but in our experience, it is often the most ideal and enriching experience. Sometimes, the people we want to travel with may not be able to afford it. Parents and grandparents may have more disposable income than younger friends and could be open to assisting with the costs of other loved ones, such as spouses, siblings, or friends. 

Who do you like to travel with?

International travel of any kind is a challenge. You might find yourself in unfamiliar environments, facing language barriers, and adjusting to different foods and customs. These factors can sometimes lead to frustration or “hanger”. Consider who among your loved ones can weather these challenges with you and whose travel style aligns with yours. For instance, you may prefer early mornings and a day full of exploration followed by a quiet evening, while your friends may enjoy late-night outings. Think about who you enjoy traveling with most and who can navigate the inevitable hiccups of travel with humor and grace. A good travel partner is someone who can roll with the punches, share in the laughter, and offer support during stressful moments.

If you’re still unsure about who would be the best travel companion, don’t hesitate to reach out to our team of experts. We’re happy to talk you through it.

Why everyone, not just Guatemalan adoptees, should experience the magic of Tikal

If you haven’t already been, chances are the Pantheon and the Colosseum in Rome and the Acropolis in Athens are on your list of bucket list trips. But what about the ancient city of Tikal? 

I have been lucky enough to explore the Pantheon, the Colosseum, the Acropolis, and Tikal in my life. By far, Tikal left me more wonderstruck than any other historical site. While you walk the streets of Athens and Rome, you’ll come across a ruin, a city built upon a city, built upon a city (and that is amazing in its own right!). At Tikal, you walk through the rain forest and out of densely packed trees, a temple appears. I have never been so in awe of humans, stood in wonder of the natural world and its ability to cover up this great ancient city, and seen the vastness of the universe than while sitting at the top of a temple watching the sunset and the stars glisten trillions of miles away than at Tikal.

Located in the deep rainforest of Guatemala, Tikal National Park (Tikal), a UNESCO World Heritage Site, is the ruins of what is believed to be the center of the most powerful Mayan civilization. The monolithic temples that have been uncovered in Tikal are far older than those of their Greek and Roman counterparts. And recent evidence indicates that the city was 2 million square miles, that’s a city almost four times the size of Houston, Texas today.

Why is Tikal less well known than its Western counterparts? I have three theories.

One, our society has long put a stronger emphasis on the teaching and lands of Western cultures, but it’s time for that to stop. The Mayans, their culture, and their teachings deserve to be given respect.

Two, Tikal is surprisingly challenging to get to. To get to Tikal you need to fly from the U.S. to Guatemala City (the easiest part of the journey, a three hour non-stop flight from Houston). From Guatemala City you can theoretically take a bus (it is a 10+ hour drive where safety can be a challenge. I’ve never done it, and most Guatemalans I know wouldn’t recommend it). The better of the two options is a short 45 minute flight from Guatemala City to Flores via TAG Airlines in a small plane (your baggage size is limited). Then it’s an hour drive from Flores to Tikal. But the drive is just the jump start to the awe; according to a guide I work with regularly and has worked in the travel industry in Guatemala for decades, all the “hills” you see from the airport to Tikal National Park are now believed to be covered ruins of the ancient city. Yes, I’ve spent the entire drive looking out the window thinking of all the people and what their lives were like – and it’s just the beginning of that feeling.

Three, once you arrive in Tikal, it’s hot and humid (I know I’m doing a great job of selling Tikal to you aren’t I?). You’re in a rainforest, so it’s rainforest hot and humid. I’ll be real – I’ve never been hotter in my life…but, somehow, that’s part of the fun and the experience.

Case and point, here’s a (slightly embarrassing) view of my sweat drenched back while watching the sunset from the top of a temple in Tikal. Yes, my back is sweat drenched, at sunset, but you see those trees below me? That’s the rainforest below me, while I sit at the top of a temple and watch the sunset and stars come out…that is the most important part of that sentence and the experience, not the darn sweat. I’m so sure of this, I’ve convinced my husband, who has lived most of his life in Colorado and HATES heat and humidity with a fierce passion to go to Tikal (it doesn’t hurt his nerdy heart that Tikal also has a connection to Star Wars, see below).

So, why go to Tikal? To feel inspired! To gasp in awe at human civilization. To bow at the temple of the natural world and the universe. Because nothing more will change your perspective of yourself, the human race, of nature, and of the universe.

And if that’s not enough for you, George Lucas thought Tikal was so cool he used it as a filming location for Yavin 4 in Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope.

Ready to book your bucket list trip to Tikal? Join us and other adoptive families this December to explore the wonders. The trip also includes New Years in Antigua, another one of Guatemala’s UNESCO World Heritage sites and the option to spend Christmas making the Holiday special for children living in a hogar (orphanage). It’s truly a bucket list trip! Oh, and did I mention the scorpions? There are scorpions.

Not ready to commit but want to learn more? Request our itinerary and information packet about the trip.

Kahleah Guibault is a Guatemalan adoptee who grew up in Canada and moved back to Guatemala over a decade ago. She’s the director of El Amor de Patricia, Ties Adoptive Family Travel’s in-country partner in Guatemala. A previous version of this post was shared on her Facebook page in 2016. She recently became a mother to a wonderful teenage boy along with her partner, Nery. 

Did you know I never really liked my birthday? I can imagine you don’t much like my birthday either. I always loved the idea of a birthday; the parties, the gifts, the friends and family. And man did I every get the best ones growing up! I like that part of it. But the actual day itself, meh. I could go without. I think its because more than anything for me, for 5-year old me, for 10-year old me, for 25-year old me it marks loss. I know that 25 years ago, in a little clinic at the foot of a volcano, there was no family patiently waiting in the waiting room for the exciting news that I was born. There were no grandparents excited about my arrival. From what I can tell there was no father waiting impatiently to hold me. I know there was no baby shower or celebration during the months I was in your belly. I know there was probably panic and stress and sadness during your pregnancy. I know there was no joy as they cleaned me and dressed me and took me away. I know that there is a probable chance that we never laid eyes on one another.

Did you know that I spent a lot of years being mad? And sad. And hurt. I spent a lot of time thinking that you should have tried. You should have kept me for better or for worst because that’s what moms do. They fight for their children and give the best they can. That’s what I thought I would do so why shouldn’t you? And that wasn’t fair. It took 25 years for me to realize but you did do what is best for me. I think part of it is a perspective I gained form living here. Life is so miserable here sometimes. This beautiful country that I love so much is lacking in almost every social service. Medical care is something that most people cannot afford. Feeding your children is something that is a daily struggle. Malnutrition is rampant in this country and children die every day. The school system is decent at best, and if you are a girl, you are the last priority. Life here can be so so miserable and I realize that that’s exactly what you didn’t want for me. I think the pain of loss overshadowed that for me for so long. The pain of not being wanted. Or at least of thinking I was not wanted by you.

But here’s the bottom line, the truth and the realization that I have come to accept and realize and be thankful for in my quarter century of life: you gave me life and then gave me the chance to live it, to really fully live it. You gave me a father and mother, together. You gave me a brother. You gave me wonderful aunts and uncles, and later cousins. You gave me the ability to speak three different languages. You gave me education. You gave me a full stomach every single day. You gave me a chance at university. You gave me away because that’s what mothers do: what’s best for their kids.

And I thank you. As I sit here in my comfortable home, with a job I love, friends and family who are incredible, I thank you. I thank you for doing the most unselfish loving thing a mother can do. Something that requires so much strength that just thinking about having to do the same hurts my heart so deeply. So happy my birthday to you. The last time we were together was 25 years ago today, but that’s the great thing about love. You carry those you love in your heart every single day.
All my love, xo

Adoptees and families share with us a wide variety of connections they hope to make when preparing for a heritage journey. Wish lists include visiting a hotel that was “home” years ago, reconnecting with a foster mother or other caregivers, connecting with a driver, and, for some, meeting members of their birth family.

Initiating a birth family search is an extremely individual decision and should be considered within the unique needs and experiences of each adoptee and their family. 

A birth search is not an event as much as it is a journey – and one that isn’t clearly mapped. While you might have an idea of where you want to go (learning more about a birth family) the actual destination is unknown (information may or may not be found; it may or may not be what one thought it was going to be). If the journey’s path results in meeting birth family, the journey does not end there. Rather a door is opened as a reunion marks a change in the relationship. 

Thinking through these challenges before you begin the search journey helps in deciding if the adoptee is ready to continue or if more time is needed.

#1: The Role of Adoptive Parents: Adoptive parents overwhelmingly recognize the desire to search and its importance to adoptees. There are, however, differing opinions within the adoption community, and especially amongst adoptees, on whether or not parents should play a role in their children’s searches, and if so, what that role should be. It is important that adoptees are in the lead in choosing to search. If an adoptee says they aren’t ready or don’t want to search, adoptive parents should respect this desire.

#2: Prepare for the Journey: In choosing to search, one needs to prepare for all possible outcomes, both positive and negative. If a search is unsuccessful, managing the disappointments in the search experience is often significantly emotionally challenging for adoptees and their families.

There are several non threatening ways to prepare for the many variables involved in search and reunion like reading, watching reunion videos on YouTube, and even watching movies (like Netflix’s Found).

It is important to have ongoing, open discussions as you embark into the unknown. These frequent and sometimes painful conversations are an integral part of this journey. If an adoptee is unable or unwilling to have these kinds of discussions, they may not be ready to search. On the other hand, sometimes a need or desire for more information is misinterpreted as the desire for a reunion. 

If you pursue a birth family search, make sure adoptees in particular, but also parents/family have a safe space to talk through their thoughts about the process and any results. This might be an adoption-competent therapist (who will likely have experience in birth family connections and the complex emotions resulting), a school counselor, or a good group of friends. A new life chapter is being opened and the lack of control over the process and outcome can be frustrating and confusing at times. Having the insights and objectivity of an additional support person can be a great way to handle the stress.

#3: Intercountry Adoptions in Context: We would like to assume that in the history of intercountry adoptions everyone was always acting in good faith and with the highest of morals. That being said, there is evidence in almost every country that some trafficking, fraud, negligent, and bad faith adoptions occurred. It can be hard to distinguish what an unethical adoption looks like and; what the motivations were involved in placing a child. There are many places in an adoption process where one person (a birth mother, a lawyer, a judge, a paper work shuffler at a government office, an adoption agency rep, etc.) can make one small decision (or a typo!) that can turn an adoption done in good faith to something that is more challenging to process. It takes a careful eye and understanding of not only an individual’s paperwork, adoption story, and wider country’s history of adoption to say with any certainty that a particular adoptee’s story includes any of those circumstances. Given all of this, it’s important for families to consider that both a deadend and discovery of a fraudulent adoption are possible outcomes when searching. It can be challenging, deeply painful, and bewildering if one learns, or suspects, their adoption is fraudulent. We strongly encourage adoptees and their loved ones seek emotional support if they have concerns about their adoption process. 

#4: The search process is different in every country: The process of searching is as varied as the countries adoptees are from and their stories. In some countries, searches are conducted by government bodies (like a child welfare department), others government entities will assist on a part of the process (like DNA testing at a police station). Still in other countries searchers are conducted by specialized independent contractors who work for themselves. How searches are conducted in a country changes over time, so it’s important to make sure you have the most accurate and up-to-date information.

#5: Considering the Birth Family’s Perspective: Birth mothers come from a range of backgrounds. The vast majority of birth mother’s do not make the decision to place a child for adoption lightly. Some have hidden their pregnancy and subsequent adoption from people who are important to them. This may include both family members and friends who were in their lives during the time of the pregnancy and adoption, as well as those that have come into their lives since (like a new husband and additional children). Sometimes it’s a hidden secret she keeps close to her heart – wondering and worrying about her child every day alone. For these reasons, searchers are cautious and careful when connecting with birth mothers. Upon being found, birth mothers share a range of emotions – surprise, fear, joy, shame, and guilt are just a few of them. Birth mothers have many considerations when deciding if they are ready to meet. Some of these are emotional – is she prepared to face her emotions directly? Is she going to be able to say goodbye again? Should she reveal to loved ones her long held secret? How will they react? Others are logistical – Can she take the time away from work and her household duties for the reconnection visit? Some birth mothers, and, sometimes, other family members, are ready and excited to meet. Others take more time. It’s important to remember that it is also her choice to meet with you. Just like adoptees, birth mothers have wondered and worried about the children they’ve placed for adoption AND have lived their lives day-in and day-out since the placement. All this being said, the vast majority of birth family and adoptee reconnections we’ve witnessed have been a positive experience for all involved. A reminder, it’s important to not make assumptions about the circumstances of a birth mother/family and any resulting emotions they may have. The circumstances in your birth mother/family might look very different than above. The above are simply the themes and situations we’ve encountered over the last 30 years.

#6: Searching and Heritage Journeys: Searching at any point in an adoptee’s life can be an important step for that adoptee. However, we’ve found that searching in the year or so prior to a heritage journey is often the most beneficial. Doing so provides space for an adoptee and their birth family to reconnect while in-country (if a search is successful) and, if  a search is not successful, it provides other ways for an adoptee to reconnect with their land, culture, and heritage of birth outside of the search process. When traveling with a group on a heritage journey, adoptees naturally share and discuss their experiences in search and reunion, both successful and unsuccessful. This normalizes their experience and provides a supportive environment for adoptees to share in a community of their peers. 

#7: The Reunion Itself—What’s It Like?: Meeting people and visiting places related to your adoption varies greatly. We generally recommend that first reconnection visits occur in a “neutral” place, rather than the birth family’s home or community, as it protects the birth family, the adoptee, and the adoptive family. Having a reconnection visit in the first days of a trip allows for the natural anxiety prior to the meeting to dissipate, helps adoptees have a richer experience in their country and culture of birth, and allow for additional reconnection visits (if it’s agreed upon by all parties and there is time in the schedule).  Here are some things to consider, visualize, and talk about as a family.

• Most discussion is done via a translator, which has pros and cons:
  • The pros: translation slows conversation, giving you a chance to think. Having a translator typically helps with cultural differences and logistical issues.
  • The cons: the translator may not translate everything, or may not translate the intended emotion.
• Some people you meet can be very emotional, and may want to stroke an adoptee’s hair or hold their hand, can be tearful, or tearfully joyous.

• Some people you meet are the exact opposite—and not always because they are not feeling emotion, but because they believe strong emotions would be too difficult for the adoptee. Or, they may feel they need to be emotionally strong for their other children or family members meeting with your family.
• Some adoptees feel very connected, almost on a surreal level. Others feel very disconnected, and this disconnect is conflicting or confusing for them.

• Sometimes planned meetings do not happen—someone gets sick, or is unavailable at the last minute. It is important to stress there are times when plans do not come to fruition, but we’re all making the best effort possible.
• Most times, reunions are planned in advance, but sometimes, once you are in-country, opportunities arise, creating a mix of complicated emotions.

#8: Remember it’s a Journey: After a reconnection sometimes some members (adoptees, birth family, adoptive family) may want to continue communication while others do not. And when that desire is not fulfilled, it can be devastating to individuals in the reconnection. Preparing yourself for a relationship to expand past a reconnection visit, go quiet for a period of time, and/or, potentially end with one visit is essential, even if it is hard to contemplate.

Initiating a birth family search is a profound and sometimes fraught experience and not one that should be made lightly. No matter the choices adoptees make about searching, our team of experts in the field are there to walk alongside adoptees who travel with us during their heritage journey.

If you have any questions, we’re happy to help! You can contact us at info@adoptivefamilytravel.com