Adoption Coaching

ADOPTION COACHING: A NEW RESOURCE FOR ADOPTIVE FAMILIES

By Guest Author Sally Ankerfelt

It was two years ago this July that my son and I took the trip-of-a-lifetime to the Philippines, his homeland. For a year prior to our trip, we had talked about going back with our son who was adopted at age 16 months and was now 13 years old.

The decision to make a visit proved to be easy. It was how we were going to travel that was difficult. Would we go alone as a family?

Making a homeland visit has layers of complexity that recreational travel does not. We were not just sight-seers. We were exploring our son’s heritage, digging into his past, and opening ourselves up to experiencing a wide range of feelings that might come with returning “home.”

Because of the delicate nature of this trip, we decided to go with a travel group. We chose The Ties Program because we noticed that they not only would help us with the itinerary and the travel details, but they would assist us with navigating the emotional experiences that could surface.

The Ties Program prepared us for the travel through articles on what to expect, how to prepare our children and ourselves emotionally, and what kinds of foundational work we could do with our children before we stepped onto the soil of their homeland.

While in the Philippines, The Ties Program provided a guide from the United States who not only knew about Filipino culture but also had the skills to touch base with our children about what they were experiencing and to assist us parents with the surprising range of emotions that surfaced throughout the trip.

The concept of coaching is much like the concept of the Ties Program. On the adoption journey, we could go it alone. However, like The Ties Program, coaching recognizes that adoption can be complex, so that a skilled guide- a coach- can be very beneficial.

Like a guide, a coach identifies skills that help address the unique aspects of the adoption journey. The power in coaching is its focus on the strengths of the adoptive family and its belief in a family’s ability to move forward.

In addition to being certified, GIFT Family Services coaches also are adoptive parents. We know the adoption “territory” and have a good sense of the joys and challenges adoptive families face. We are committed to assisting families in moving forward through both joys and difficulties.

In addition, coaching offers flexibility to meet the needs of families. Coaching can meet you on your adoption journey in many ways:

  • It can occur “after hours,” at a time that is mutually agree-upon by the family and coach;
  • It can occur over the telephone. There is no need to come to an office. For those in rural areas, a local adoption-competent professional can be difficult to locate. Driving to an appointment can take more than an hour out of our busy lives.
  • It has the ability to fashion intentional coaching plans around the desired results of the family;
  • It offers the positive encouragement necessary to help families have the strength to get “unstuck.”
  • It offers a non-judgmental approach. (Being adoptive parents ourselves, we’ve most likely “been there!) Being an adoptive parent, I know that our experiences can be difficult and not always understood.

Our children (and our families) face additional layers of identity issues as well as other possible issues such as attachment, loss, and school challenges, to name a few. During the difficulties, it may be helpful to enlist the services of someone who is skilled in navigating the rough waters of adoption and who can guide us to calmer seas.

If you are interested in learning more about coaching or talking to a GIFT Family Services coach, call 1-800-236-7821 or visit our website at www.giftfamilyservices.com.

About the Author:Sally Ankerfelt is an adoptive mom to three children: one adopted

Sally Ankerfelt

internationally at 16 months, one adopted at birth through open adoption, and another adopted at age 12 through foster care. She also is a certified coach, co-founding coach of GIFT (Growing Intentional Families Together) Family Services. She holds a Masters of Divinity from Luther Seminary in St. Paul and recently completed a certification program in Trauma Studies from the University of Minnesota. She enjoys speaking at adoption events and assisting individual families on their adoption journey. In her own family, she has dealt with trauma and attachment along with other behavioral issues, including ADHD. These family experiences continue to teach her that in the midst of loss and struggle, there is great joy and hope to be found along the way.

Changing the World by guest author Alex Marking

About the Author: My name is Alex Marking. I am 17, I go to Greenhill School, and I was adopted from Paraguay. A couple years back, I went on a trip to

Alex Marking
Changing the World

Paraguay with The Ties Program. This year in school, we were assigned a project that revolved around something we felt strongly about. We were encouraged to give insight to the issue we chose, and hopefully “Change the World”. I decided to do mine on adoption and pull from my own personal experiences. I wanted to use the project as a way to dig within myself and figure out exactly how I felt and thought about my own adoption. I wrote both a poem and a children’s book. The poem I wrote allowed me to get my emotions out on paper and share personal experiences and feelings. I was finally able to share with people that I had not previously been sure how to convey or share.

For the last part of the assignment, we were to choose a place or organization to send our work to hopefully make a difference and “change the world” for someone else. In my case, I hope to give some sort of understanding or feeling of not being alone to a child or any person who may be confused about being adopted. I know that at a younger age I was unsure of how to feel, and I hope this work, in some way, helps someone, even just one person, understand that they are not alone in these feelings. I chose the Paraguayan Ties Program to share my work with because I have had a personal experience with the program that helped get me thinking about where I came from and what it meant to be adopted. The trip was one of the main catalysts that helped me start my journey to self understanding.

Thank you for helping inspire this inner search and I hope my work can help change someone’s life for the better.

Alex’s Poem

Everyone is different
With something that helps define
Who and what we are
That I’m adopted, that is mine

I’m not saying that I’m special
Or that I’m the only one
But I can proudly state
That I embrace the place I’m from

Flowing through my veins
I got red, white, and blue
Not just for America
But for Paraguay too

Two different flags
Both a part of me
Making up my heritage
And who I’m proud to be

I knew that I was different
I remember what friends asked
“You don’t look like your parents”
“I don’t get it, why is that?”

But even though I knew it
I never took the time
To try and grasp the concept
Or turn it over in my mind

Sometimes it takes a painful event
To jolt a train of thought
I remember the words of my friend clearly
That he shouted as we fought

I don’t remember the argument
But I know what shut me up
He said if my parents loved me
They would have never gave me up

I began to question
Wondered if they cared
It’s hard to feel connected
To someone who was never there

But as the years went by
I understood my mother
She let her son be taken
To be raised by another

She didn’t have the means
So she found someone who did
To take me into their family
And raise as their own kid

She spoke for me
When I didn’t have a voice
And though it was difficult
She helped me make the choice

The future that she thought
Gave me the best chance
To succeed in my life
To progress and advance

And as a tribute to my mother
The one I never knew
I do my best to push myself
At everything I do

I strive to do my best
And if she could see me now
I hope that she’d be happy
I hope that she’d be proud

Alex, aka Nelson’s Book for a Child

Thank you Alex. You have indeed changed the world. Thanks for sharing!

My Journey of Self Discovery By Guest Author Elizabeth Mija Stanley

About the author: Elizabeth, aka Mija, traveled with The Ties Program when she was 15 years old. She wrote this essay for her college entrance exams, and recently

Elizabeth Mija Stanley

updated it for a college English paper. She is currently 28 years old, attesting to the fact that the trip is a “beginning” or a day of birth as Mija states in her opening, and that adoptees continue processing it’s effect for a lifetime.

My Journey of Self Discovery

I remember the day I was born. Opening my eyes, for what seemed like the first time, I was a naïve fifteen years of age and three thousand miles from home. As I stepped off the airplane and placed my foot on unfamiliar ground, I sensed, almost instantly, I was about to embark on a journey of a lifetime.

As far back as I can remember, all I ever wanted was to be white. As hard as I tried, I could never accept the fact that I was Asian. Being adopted at four months old into a primarily white society only reminded me every day of how different I was from everyone else. Lacking a connection with not only other Asians, but also my peers, I felt like an outsider. I can recall how uncomfortable and awkward I would be in a room with other Asians, feeling almost forced to act a certain way, and be proud of who I am. Unfortunately, that was not the case, and in my mind, I stuck out like a sore thumb.

I held this title of being an Asian-American-Adoptee, but I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to be one. As the years went by, I continued to feel like I didn’t belong because I looked so different from my friends and family. My adoptive mother would always entertain the thought of traveling to Korea together to “discover my roots.” A freshman in high school with a love for traveling and an open mind, I decided to give Korea a chance.

I really do think my heart skipped a beat when we landed at Kimpo Airport in Seoul, South Korea. My eyes bounced around the ice-capped mountains as they appeared to hug the cityscape. It was just surreal and beautifully breathtaking. My mother and I traveled with a group of adoptees and their parents, and each day, as we traveled around the country, we were educated on my motherland, its people, culture and beauty. We spent a very tightly scheduled two weeks exploring the mountains, the beaches, the great city of Seoul, capital of South Korea, and finally, my birthplace and orphanage in the city of Inchon.

After a whirlwind of surprisingly emotional and humbling experiences, I realized the anxiety of not belonging that I feared for so long, was no longer present.

As I embraced Korea as my second home, I began to see its people – that I had known so little of – were actually kind and compassionate souls. After not considering myself a part of anything, I now felt a part of both worlds. Soon after arriving home in the United States, I acquired extreme pride for being Korean, holding my head high, which was the complete opposite from the old me.

I secretly promised myself I would become more involved in all that was Korean, developing a passion for Korean music, food and entertainment, among other things. I had become fascinated in learning the language, and enrolled in a small school that taught me the basics, and eventually, I went on to teach myself a little further with the Rosetta Stone language program. I began my obsessions with Korean pop music, as well as Korea’s drama genre by watching many films with English subtitles. Over the years, I have had the pleasure of working and meeting many Korean people who have, without asking, educated me countless times on their culture (language, music, fashion, etc.). More recently, I have gone on a culinary path, and taught myself how to cook a variety of traditional Korean dishes.

Overall, I believe I have become a better, more content Asian-American-Adoptee, someone who I would’ve idolized and been able to go to when I was looking for guidance all those years ago. Every day, as I learn more about myself and where I come from, I become more proud of who I am and who I am about to become.

My life has changed dramatically since my journey of self-discovery.